[In Riley's Notebook]

HEY THERE! WELCOME TO YOUR NOTEBOOK! BY THE TIME WE'RE DONE HERE, YOU WILL BE READY TO PURSUE A THRILLING CAREER IN THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WRITING. LET'S START BY YOU GIVING A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOURSELF ON THE PROVIDED SPACE BELOW.

>My name is Riley. I am so bored. It's not even funny. A teacher here was just murdered. Emmy and Paige are looking at our yearbook from last year. My sentences are choppy. I don't care. That just shows you. It shows you how bad of a writer I am. It does.

GREAT! YOU SOUND LIKE A PRETTY COOL PERSON! NOW LET'S MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE. JUST FILL IN THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS BELOW.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>As I've already said, it's Riley.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

>Psh, like I'm gunna tell YOU! For all I know, you could be some creepy stalker from Oklahoma. Heh, such an awesome state. Wait, you're a stalker. Stalkers can't be from from awesome states. Therefor, you are now from Idaho.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

>Black. I'm goth.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

>If you count Paige, one.

DO YOU ENJOY PLAYING SPORTS?

>If they don't involve any physical skills, yeah.

WHAT SONG IS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW? WHO IS IT BY? DO YOU OFTEN LISTEN TO THIS SONG?

>I do not have a song stuck in my head at this very second, thank you. But I'll pretend there is one just to make you happy. How about "If I Never See Your Face Again" by Maroon 5 feat. Rihanna? Do you like that? Huh? Do you? Oh, now you wunna know who it's by, right? Well I already told you. It's by Maroon 5 and it features Rihanna. Yes, I listen to it often. If I didn't, why would it be stuck in my head?

DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?

>The world's worst brother, James. He works in Michigan, which (thank God) is far, far away from Seattle. Oh crap. I just told you where I live. You happy now, Mr. Stalker Journal?

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?

>Why? So you can pick me out from everyone else in Seattle, you freaky stalker. Okay, I'll humor you. I'm wearing a pink tee shirt, lime green flats, and denim shorts. Oh yeah, these awesome dangly earrings, too. But keep those quiet, kay? I sorta borrowed them Emmy without telling her...

ARE YOU WEARING ANY MAKE-UP?

>You're sick, you now that? What If I'm a guy, huh? Okay, so maybe I'm not. But a guy could've bought this, you know. This question would be insulting to any person of the male gender. But since I'm a girl, yeah, I'm wearing make-up. Oh great. Now I have to go to the mirror to see what I'm wearing. Okay, I'm back. Black eyeliner and mascara and light pink lip gloss.

WHO ELSE IS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU?

>Elmo, Sean Connery, and Elvis

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?

>What do you think, genius? Writing in you.

HOW TALL ARE YOU?

>Twenty feet

WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?

>Feb. 33rd

WHAT DOES THE ROOM SMELL LIKE?

>Wha? What kind of a question is that? Just because this question is so stupid, I won't even answer it.

WHAT DOES THAT SMELL REMIND YOU OF? ANYTHING FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? DESCRIBE THE SMELL.

>Are you on drugs or something? I didn't even answer the last question! How am I supposed to answer this one?

DO YOU HAVE MANY FRIENDS? WHY OR WHY NOT?

>Yes, I have many friends, thank you. We get along just swell. I do not know why, we just do.

WHAT IS THE FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU THINK OF THE WORD "MUSHROOM"?

>Mushroom

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE YOU THOUGHT OF THAT WORD?

>The police are all over the field outside like cockroaches. It looks really freaky. I wonder if those detectives are still out there.

LOOK AROUND THE ROOM. DESCRIBE IT.

>What if I don't want to, huh? I don't. Deal with it.

WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF AS PHOTOGENIC? WHY OR WHY NOT DO YOU THINK THIS?

>I want a pet unicorn. Seriously, don't you think it would be awesome? And every time I need a coat hanger, I'd just call for my little Shwartz! (That's what I plan on naming him/her.)

WHAT IS THE WEATHER LIKE OUTSIDE? DESCRIBE IT THE BEST YOU CAN.

>What is it with you and wanting me to "describe" things. Maybe I should just make a video of everything around me so you'll shut up.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR?

>Green

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR FINGERNAILS?

>At this very moment, the natural, unpainted color with blotches of old red nail polish from when I painted them a few weeks ago.

HAVE YOU EVER TRAVELED OUT OF THE USA?

>I went to Canada once with my brother. Hated it. I couldn't understand anything anyone said and my brother spilled hot coffee on my new shirt. Wait, hey! How do you know I live in the US? Oh yeah, I already told you I live in Seattle. But someone else who bought this might live in, like, Switzerland or something.

DO YOU ENJOY SHOPPING?

>You know, if I man from Swaziland bought this journal, he'd be pretty ticked. Bet you didn't know that Swaziland was a country, did you? Well it is. It's like Switzerland, only not. You can ski in Switzerland. I don't know what you can do in Swaziland, though. All I know is that there's a really mad dude there who bought this thing living there.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE WONDER OF THE WORLD?

>The only street corner in Seattle without an espresso cart.

HOW DO YOU PLAN ON GOING ABOUT YOUR CAREER AS AN AUTHOR?

>I do not plan to be an author. I plan to grow old with fifty billion cats and schizophrenia. Emmy will be my maid who will do whatever crazy things my schizophrenic self wants her to do.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM?

>Did you know that that dude from Swaziland is lactose intolerant? Of course, you haven't made him any more ticked because he threw away his copy of this book before he could even get to this question. How do you sleep at night?

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE QUESTION FROM THIS SECTION?

>What do you think people from Swaziland's accents sound like? I bet it's all cool and super awesome-like. And what are people from Swaziland called? Swazilites? Swazians? Swazinitians? These are the questions that haunt me.

WOW! WHAT AN INTERESTING PERSONALITY YOU HAVE! NOW LET'S DO SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT. THINK OF THE VERY FIRST WORD THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD AND WRITE A SHORT STORY ABOUT IT.

>Once upon a time there was a dude from Swaziland who bought this journal and got so fed up with it that he threw it into the ocean and bought a pet unicorn for company. Then a schizophrenic fairy named Riley stole the unicorn, claimed it as her own, and named it Shwartz.

VERY GOOD! YOU'RE A NATURAL! REMEMBER THAT SONG THAT WAS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FROM BEFORE? WRITE DOWN THE LYRICS OF THE CHORUS TO IT.

>I'm just going to change the song to throw you off.

"Electropop" by Jupiter Rising

Electropop hot

An addiction when I cant stop

I may be your sweet spot

Take me to your candy shop

Electropop hot

Funk friction when its getting hot

I'm feeling like its getting hot

Come on baby what you got

Electropop hot

An addiction when I cant stop

I may be your sweet spot

Take me to your candy shop

Electropop hot

Funk friction when its getting hot

I'm feeling like its getting hot

Come on baby what you got

WHAT AN INTERESTING SONG! HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU HEAR THIS?

>

[Not in Riley's Notebook]